Spreading The News I Was Expecting.

When I found out I was expecting Baby Wilson, it was really early- the Clear Blue test told me in no uncertain terms that I was 1-2 weeks pregnant. I pee’d on a stick and put it on the end of the bath whilst I got in the shower. After my first shampoo I looked over to confirm what I already knew. (The boob pain was real). I jumped out the shower, soaking wet and ran into the bedroom and shouted at my hungover husband, “oh my god, I’m actually pregnant”. Jack went white as a sheet and said “oh right, you ok?”. As I got back into the shower, and finished washing, I was shaking like a leaf, then I went back into the bedroom.

This was the point I HAD to tell someone, someone who would scream a little bit and tell me it was great news and how exciting it was. Jack was not this person, he was still in shock, still white and still playing on some annoying golf game on his phone. I messaged my sister who was in Singapore and got the reaction I needed. Me and Olivia are vastly different, but she knows me better than anyone and I trust her with my life. Speaking to her re-centred me and it was at this point I was SO EXCITED.

It took about 12 hours for Jack to get his head around the fact that he was going to be a Dad. And as pragmatic as ever he refused to get excited. He was, “going to see what happened” and get excited after the 12 week scan. How he compartmentalises his emotions like this I will never know.

We found out that we were expecting on the 23rd December. Hiding this from the family we were spending Christmas with was going to be hard, especially when you’re the ring leader, wine pusher and organised fun dictator of the family. It was for that reason Jack suggested it was a good idea that we told his Mum and Dad. Jacks Mum is loud, funny and says what she thinks. Jack highlighted that she doesn’t have a filter and it would be better to tell her and Jacks Dad, rather than her get suspicious and out us in front of the whole family after a bottle of wine. (There would only be one reason I wouldn’t be drinking on Christmas Day). I agreed. They came round on the 24th December and we shared our very new news, Alby’s reaction was priceless, and loud, she screamed and cried and was delighted, it was beautiful. But, as we had told them so early it surprised me to find that it put some pressure on. I didn’t want my uterus to disappoint.

Christmas came and went, we muddled through all the emotions and unbelievable tiredness. ( I work in retail and Christmas is hell on earth). We were going to tell my parents but I wanted to see their reaction. The plan was to visit them on New Years Eve and tell them then.

We arrived at their home in Hampshire. I was full of cold and felt horrendous, but I could not WAIT to tell them. They were going to be so excited. I told Mum and Dad almost as soon as I got in the door, my Dad looked all excited and was trying not to jump up and down in a, “it’s not manly to show my emotions way”.  My Mums reaction was also one of delight, however, she questioned who else knew, which took me by surprise. She was disappointed I hadn’t told her sooner, and I get it, she is my mum and was worried I had kept it from her because I had some negative feeling towards her. It was not the case, I just wanted to see her face, but I would do it differently next time, I wanted to tell her straight away and won’t wait when it comes round again. It was at this point I understood that sharing this news can impact the people around you in a profound way which can highlight their deepest insecurities.

I considered how we were going to share our news to the wider world and decided that I was not going to keep it from my friends. My character is really open and I find it hard to keep my own secrets, and felt that telling my friends I was antibiotics or something similar was not going to wash, and it was an obvious lie. I wanted my close friends to be on the journey with me and I slowly told friends and family up until the 12 week scan. Not through any big announcement, but if it came up naturally. I didn’t tell some of my best friends until 12 weeks, not through any friendship hierarchy, but because it didn’t come up.

I had to consider how the news may impact on others, and how their reaction was going to impact on me. The most common reaction is sheer joy. I’ve had friends with the emotional warmth of a stone go absolutely mad, friends buy in non alcoholic beers for their homes for when I pop round, bring me flowers, track my pregnancy progress and message me every day to see how I am.  There was no doubt as the first trimester progressed that our baby was going to be loved.

Once we had the 12 week scan we decided to put a post up on social media. I wasn’t going to, but I had this picture of a tiny blob and all I wanted to do was show everyone in the whole world. I was with my friend that afternoon and she encouraged me to take the leap and post it. I was so glad that I did!! I had messages from people I had not spoken to for years, my family shared the post avidly and we had so many well wishes, it was wonderful. Jack and I were floating for days.

Announcing this news was an experience, in those first weeks I was riding an emotional roller coaster and taking my family with me. What I learnt was nothing arouses a reaction like a new baby, it’s quite a ride.

The Top Ten Things That Took Me By Surprise in the First Three Months.

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  • The bloating is unbelievable, I blew up like a balloon almost straight away, and not in the neat tight mini bump way that I had seen in images online and in magazines. But in a watery, wobbly way that made all my clothes very tight.
  • I actually felt quite sexy, despite the bloat. I imagined that as soon as I was pregnant I wouldn’t be interested in any of that shenanigans, actually it was quite the opposite.
  • My mind turned to mush. I had heard the phrase “baby brain” but nothing could prepare me for the ridiculously small amount of information that I retained. It did prove a little embarrassing at work, especially when entire meetings that I had held I re-scheduled because I had forgotten that I had them in the first place.
  • My relationship with my husband has flourished. I saw a different side to him, he is always so laid  back and calm, but I saw a little protectiveness from him that I found really attractive. He is so kind and caring, being in this new situation together reiterated how wonderful he is.
  • I got scared that I would be lonely. This is something that still follows me around. My family live 100 miles away, my role in my friendship group is the hostess with all the wine, who stays up until the sun rises and never says no to a party. I was worried that my friends wouldn’t have a place for me being wobbly and sober. I still worry about this. However I do now accept that the people who really love me won’t go anywhere. I have removed the pressure I put on myself to keep being all things and it does feel better.
  • It is really hard to keep it a secret and 12 weeks feels like a lifetime. I did tell a few of my closest family,  friends and colleges early on. I needed their support, and, heaven forbid something went wrong I would need it then too.
  • The exhaustion was real.
  • I thought I would worry about money a lot, but all of a sudden it didn’t matter. I now have this c’est la vie attitude towards it. Maybe that’s stupid, but I am sure we will work it out, like millions of families before us have.
  • How little contact you have with medical professionals. You don’t need it, but in my mind the biggest thing ever has just happened to me, and you see someone once between conception and 12 weeks. I don’t know what I expected but I did feel quite at sea without the reassurance that everything was OK.
  • People get REALLY excited. I had friends download pregnancy apps and my Mum post me three Panettones as I mentioned to her once in passing I liked it. It is a really nice feeling that your nearest and dearest care so much.